Well, Trina and I have done something, and that ‘something’ has effectively postponed the follow up to Interior Freedom that I posted a couple weeks ago (stating there’d be a Part II). That Part II was going to entail some of the details of how we do things around here. For better or worse (hopefully for better), we have completely shifted our family’s mindset. Call it ‘The Great Reset.’
Parenting is a mess of trial and error.
I’ll fill you in on the backstory, but let me start with a few questions:
1. Do you often feel like you’re straining to hold the house together?
Maybe not literally, but that sense of controlled chaos is there. It’s normal to have some modicum of chaos with children, with it ebbing and flowing to various degrees. But is it constant? If so, continue with the next question.
2. Do you often think your kids don’t care a whit about what you say or do unless it impacts them negatively?
I mean this: you try to connect, and you get a blank stare. You attempt to connect, correct, or redirect, and you get resistance or (worse?) more blank stares. It doesn’t need to happen all the time, but it happens enough. Enough to the point where you think the problem is you. Yeah, been there, Dad. It stinks. That sense of waywardness in fatherhood can be acute or chronic, but it seems to center on our need for respect, and our kids’ inherent inability to give respect. Inevitably the problem is me (most of the time), as my kids are simply mirroring my own defects.
3. Do you try to pin the blame on something other than yourself?
If only I had X job or Y salary. If only we lived in Z house with a bigger yard for the kids to play in (I’ve said that multiple times). If only our home were a single-story or a two-story; if only we had a larger kitchen or more open floor plan. If only my job would let me telework. If only my job paid me more so my wife didn’t have to work. If only the day were 48 hours long. If only…
“If only” doesn’t do much for us. Our kids don’t need fathers daydreaming their way through life. If I’ve been doggedly pursuing one tack for a long time and it just isn’t working, it’s time to try something different. I have eighteen short years with each of my kids, God willing, and when I consider that 1/3 of that is spent sleeping and 1/3 of it is spent with me at work, that means I’ve really only got six years of runtime. Suddenly it doesn’t seem like so long.
So I don’t have time to waste on gimmicks, false starts, half-efforts, miracle cures, etc. I need timeless, classic discipline. The stuff that worked on me, on my parents, and on my grandparents (mostly on my grandparents). I need something that’s going to make my kids independent thinkers and responsible decision-makers.
What’s a dad to do?
I have to do a lot of asking. We are in a great position where we can ask our good friends who have many more children than us just what they did, and it has been… illuminating. Here is how we plan to execute our Great Reset, beginning with a look back.
How it was…
I wish I could say we were on the ball from the start, but we weren’t. The general behavior of our children pointed to serious flaws in our parenting style. They were… happy… ish. But they also struggled with complaining (who doesn’t?), intensity, interest, etc. Put another way, they were struggling to take flight. We could see brilliance only in flashes. An example of when we were firing on all cylinders was our family pilgrimage to the National Shrine of Our Lady of Champion last year. Stupendous trip. Highly recommend it. Our kids loved it and came back pumped for the start of the homeschooling year. But those moments have been too rare for my liking.
More often than not, simple tasks like their daily writing became herculean efforts. We couldn’t verify they were doing their math flash cards, as spot checks indicated they were retaining nothing (despite their repeated insistence that they only got one or two wrong when they did the work independently). Reading has always been strong in our family, but our D.E.A.R. time (Drop Everything and Read) was woefully under-utilized. It often devolved into giggling, screaming, bouncing, jumping, etc. I get it – they’re young, but there must be some standards.
It took some time, but we landed on a few concrete ideas after good discussions with friends.
The Great Reset Game Plan
1. Mean what you say; say what you mean.
2. Have rewards, but use them sparingly and emphasize that work itself is a reward.
3. Divorcing anger from the act of punishing. And in terms of punishing, make it immediate if at all possible. Do not let bad behavior slide. It will only get worse.
4. Minimize distraction. We don’t have a screen problem; we have an abundance of enjoyable distractions problem, and no clear place for these distractions to exist. Inevitably, they would work their way into the homeschooling area. Then no one gets any work done.
5. More time for play (I promise this doesn’t conflict with #4, and I’ll explain why)
6. Have a reliable schedule
7. Emphasize family unity (no one’s done until everyone’s done; your sins impact others; if one of us is going, we’re all going)
8. Don’t be afraid to take away big privileges and incur some inconvenience for yourself: your child’s eternal soul is worth it.
9. Checks and balances in homeschooling.
10. Speak a lot less.
11. Negative reinforcement is OK most of the time. Fear is a good catalyst when kids are young. They will learn how to do things out of love in time, but early on it’s about safety.
12. Make the house work for you, not you for the house.
Yeah, but that stuff is obvious, Jonathon.
Well it wasn’t for us, jack! Or at least, it wasn’t obvious enough that we pursued it consistently. The most obvious analogy is being addicted to something bad. We know it’s bad. We know it will cost us dearly in the long run. Yet here we are, continuing to do it. Why? Because I’m Joe Knuckle-dragger three steps out of the cave.
And if it is obvious for you, odds are good you aren’t still reading. If you are still reading, then I thank you for either your 1) sympathy or 2) general interest. I am thrilled you’ve got a system which apparently works. We’re trying to get on your level. Pray for us.
I’ll go into a subset of these 12 items in a future post. I may do all of them if I stay succinct, but I have a feeling that won’t happen. Perhaps there’s a Part II and III coming. Who knows.
